The goddess guide to: Classy breakups

Always, always breakup in person
Even if you’ve only been together two months, this is someone you’ve shared a physical and emotional connection with – no matter how small. It’s basic courtesy and you’d want the same if you were in his shoes. The exception to this is if he’s abusive or hostile. Then we recommend you either bring a friend, or better still, lose his number and move out of the country!

 

This one involves some forward planning and a bit of deception – so it’s for experts only! If for some reason, it’s not a good time to breakup (a close friend or relative is dying, his pet’s been run over by a car, he’s highly stressed at work or uni), then you need to wean him off slowly.

Think of yourself as a drug, and him as an addict who needs to be cured. Gradually spend less and less time with him, don’t make any plans too far into the future, don’t call or text unless replying to him and while you should be friendly, don’t be too affectionate. If you think this is cruel, it’s a trick that boys have used since the invention of dating – so don’t feel too bad!

 

Ahh, the “I’m in love with someone else” card. It should only be used for the worst of cads…for example if he’s a real player or has hurt you time and time again. The best bit of course, is if you’ve really found someone else who truly deserves you, but if not, make like an orgasm and fake it!

Get a male friend or colleague to pretend to be your new lover and have them stand guard as you smugly tell him it’s over. If you’re dealing with the kind of scum we’re talking about anyway, he won’t really believe you mean it till he sees the proof with his own eyes.

 

It’s going to hurt like hell, but sometimes the only way to move forward is to burn your bridges. Sometimes people stay in unhappy relationships believing it can get better…and it’s true that you may just be going through a rough patch, but when you find yourself avoiding going home or doing anything possible not to spend time with your partner, then you may be happier apart.
 
A long-term breakup is often protracted, messy and super sad, so be prepared to stick to your guns through all those emotions. Remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

This one’s best reserved for that needy guy who gets overly attached to you after only a few dates. Make it public, a café or restaurant is best, and have a friend call you after half an hour so you can make your excuses and leave. Don’t succumb to pleas of “please babe, can we try again” or “just give me another shot”. You’re already sure this has no future, otherwise you wouldn’t be at breaking point…right?

 

Going overseas is the reason so many people breakup in their twenties. Sometimes you’re in a situation where your partner wants to experience new things and you don’t, which is fair enough. Could be an age thing, they’ve done it already or they’re more the nesting type, like a homing pigeon. In this case, honesty is the best policy. Also if you plan to stay together till the big departure date, do not under any circumstances say goodbye at the airport.

The last thing you need on a 23-hour plane ride to London is to be weepy, sad and depressed. Best not to let your last image of the person be of them sobbing their guts out as you walk out of their life forever.