Nicole and Paris, Heidi and Lauren – Tinseltown is bursting at the seams with ‘frenemies’. The term is pretty self explanatory, friends who are really enemies.

They’re always bitching, always moaning, always back stabbing, and never there to back each other up…

Don’t be fooled into thinking that frenemies only exist in La-La-Land. Frenemies are an all too common type of relationship, and you’ve probably either had one, have one or are guilty of being one!

We got the inside scoop from Dr Jan Yager, an internationally acknowledged expert in relationships and author of When Friendship Hurts: How to deal with friends who betray, abandon or wound you, on what exactly frenemies are, how you can spot one and how you can deal with one!

What is a frenemy?
All friendships have varying degrees of support and antagonism. However Dr Yager says there is a fine line between friends and frenemies. Generally, a genuine friend will be happy for you when things are going well and will be there to pick up the pieces when your world is falling apart. And of course, you’d also happily do the same.

Frenemies don’t have that equal balance. They’ll probably be negative, jealous, sour or unsupportive – everything you wouldn’t want a friend to be! That’s not to say you’re a bad friend because you get twangs of jealousy now and again. “It’s normal to be jealous, however the difference with a frenemy is they are consistently negative, which is not what you’d define as a friendship,” says Dr Yager.

How do I spot a frenemy?
Dr Yager uses the concept of pseudo-friends – people you think are your friends, but don’t actually exude any qualities of a true friendship. She breaks them into two categories, foul weather and fair weather friends. The foul weather friend is only happy when you’re not. Maybe you had a messy break up and all of a sudden one of your long lost buddies appeared, only to disappear and get nasty as soon as you started to get your mojo back? That’s a typical example of a foul weather friend.

The fair weather type is only around when things are going well for you, but disappears whenever times are tough and you need her most. They’re around for the fun times, not the long times…

These are the friends that are most likely to be the frenemies within your life. These pseudo-friends lack the qualities of real friendships. A genuine friendship is reciprocal, but as you’ll know, these types are totally one sided. Before you write off your friend as a frenemy ask yourself a few honest questions. In When Friendship Hurts, Dr Yager recommends that you think about whether you’re too demanding on your friends and if your expectations are too unrealistic.

Dr Yager warns that the frenemies concept is complicated. “Sometimes genuine friendship can be mislabelled  in to the frenemies categories. It really does depend on different people’s perceptions.” For example, maybe your friend tells you that your man is a self-obsessed idiot who doesn’t care about you. She might be telling you this because she genuinely wants better for you, however you could misinterpret this as her trying to sabotage your relationship and being  plain harsh and rude. 
 
How do I deal with or avoid a frenemy?
A friend can turn into a frenemy for any number of random, unexplainable reasons; however Dr Yager says the classic reasons are usually to do with betrayal, and generally those of the sexual, romantic and confidence kind.

Be clear on what is and isn’t a secret with your friends, so that they know what they can and can’t tell other people. Dr Yager says it’s also important to be realistic about who your friends will tell. “I tell my husband everything, and my friends know that if they tell me something I can’t promise I won’t also tell him.” Hands up who’s ever told a boyfriend a secret that swore they wouldn’t tell anybody?!

The Friendship Oath
To get over this very sticky bump, Dr Yager has created ‘The Friendship Oath’. Just like sharing vows when you get married, this is a sort of friendship contract. It gives honest and clear guidelines on what is and what's not acceptable. Dr Yager says that when she created it, she flipped all the negatives of an unhealthy friendship in to positives. It’s a great way to figure out what kind of healthy friendship you strive for, and can also help you to pinpoint where you're going wrong. Check it out for yourself below...

*By accepting the responsibility of being your friend, I promise to be honest and trustworthy. I will try to work out any differences or conflicts that we may have and will try to put the time and effort into our friendship that it requires.

I know we both have work (or school), family and personal obligations, and we will respect each other’s relationships and commitments, but I will also be committed to this friendship. I will try to only give advice if it’s asked for and I will also try to be your friend unconditionally.

I will keep your confidences. However, I will also share with you if it is my policy to never keep anything from my spouse or any other primary relationship with whom I entrust all my secrets. I will try to remember your birthday and be there for you when times are tough and when times are grand.

Making time to talk, communicate by mail or email, or getting together is a priority. I will celebrate your achievements even though I know a tiny bit of envy or competitiveness is normal. I will bring fun and joy to your life as much as I am able to as I cherish our past, present and future friendship.

*Extract from When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends who Betray, Abandon or Wound You by Jan Yager
Copyright © Jan Yager
RRP$34.99     PB
Published by Finch Publishing
Distributed by Southern Publishers Group

Ramarea