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 It’s nearly 7pm and you’ve just arrived home from work. There’s a stack of dirty dishes next to the sink.
A pile of clean washing sits unfolded on the couch and in front of the TV sits your man, your beloved, eating a giant bag of chips and flicking between the sports channels.
He happily burps when he sees you and reaches out to give you a kiss. All you want to do is order takeaways, watch Shortland Street and kick his lazy bum to the kerb – not necessarily in that order.
OK, the above scenario might be a bit extreme, but we all have to admit at least this; there are times when you’re so overwhelmed that the last thing you want to do is be touched by your partner, let alone have sex. You may love him dearly, and would do anything in the world for him EXCEPT be physically intimate. So what are the remedies? Do you just lump it and tolerate having sex with him? Would he really want that? And if he does, what does it say about your relationship? We look at some common scenarios and how you resolve them...  You're feeling self-concious...Reason: You’ve just [insert excuse here] had a baby/gained some winter flab/feeling bloated and are insecure about your body. Even though he claims that he hasn’t even noticed, the last thing you want to do is see yourself naked, let alone while doing the horizontal tango.
Solution: Light some candles and buy good shapewear. A sexy, lacy bustier and knickers will do wonders towards slimming your shape and giving you more confidence. And while doing it in the dark is so 16th century, candles will make everything seem just that tad more romantic, thus putting you in the mood.
 You're in a rut...Reason: The two of you have been together so long you finish each other’s sentences. You don’t think twice about flossing in front of your partner, and he goes to the toilet with the bathroom door open. It’s all very well to be comfortable, but there is such a thing as getting in too much of a rut.
Solution: It’s an important quality to be able to open up your life like that in front of another person – so now let’s extend that to the bedroom. Sex can feel robotic if you never vary positions and always finish in exactly the same number of minutes. Talk to each other about your fantasies (write them down then swap lists if you feel a bit awkward) and vow to try one new thing at least once a month, no matter how small. It doesn’t have to be whips and chains, it can be something as tiny as being wined and dined properly before you’re whisked off to bed. For tips on how to spice things up click here.  You're single...Reason: Being single can suck, and nothing more than not having someone to share those long, lonely winter nights when your friends are all coupled up in front of a cosy fire. You don’t even have someone to go out to dinner with, let alone sex. What does a single gal do?
Solution: OK, the obvious is to equip yourself well with some err, 'toys'. Erotic stores will usually sell those, or you can order it online (the downside being you can’t actually see or touch before you buy. Click here for some great info) – but what about physical contact? If you don’t already have one, get a pet – seriously. It’s a big commitment, but you’ve got nothing but time, right? And if you know that doesn’t work for you, then it’s important to find someone you can share hugs with…be it your family, friends or cute neighbour. In a pinch, even a good, fluffy pillow will do. You could also try channeling some of that frustration into some healthy physical activity…such as boxing, running or going to the gym. Why not take advantage of being compleltley self indulgent while you can?  He's not here... Reason: You’re here but he’s far away…in Hawaii. You don’t want to cheat, but it’s hard to stay away from temptation when there are so many hot single guys around, and he’s nothing but a voice on the phone and the occasional text or email.
Solution: Long-distance relationships can only be carried out by the most committed of the committed, if that makes sense.
It’s serious business, because it’s not only your heart that’s involved, you’re basically offering to put your life on hold for the other person (or asking them to). Some people allow their partners certain degrees of 'freedom' – they may be allowed to kiss and touch other people, but not go all the way, for example. If that’s not you, then look into a good calling plan and start brushing up on your kinky language. Webcams can also help (use your imagination) and it’s a good excuse to go out-of-town to visit your boyfriend. The fun part about this is that you can get creative about your sex life…and hey, it’s not like he’s going off to a world war. You know you’ll be together again soon, and this is only a small hump.  You're over him... Reason: You’re just not attracted to him anymore.
Solution: Break up. OK seriously, there’s a difference between being bored and feeling completely repulsed by the love of your life. Most people can identify between the two, although we’ll allow that there may be the occasional grey area – such as when one of you is depressed and that gets in the way of how you truly feel.
A lot of relationships hit the skids at about the two year mark – that’s when passion starts settling down and what you may find is that you don’t have much of a relationship after all. If the thought of sex with your partner makes you want to weep, and you recoil every time he touches you, it really is time to re-evaluate what you want. Because unless you plan to remain celibate forever, then it may just be time to face facts and admit that you both deserve to be with other people. Sarah Lane
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