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According to New Zealand Police, Women’s Refuge assisted about 20,000 women last year. Where ever you are in the world, manipulative men are doing the same things – practically word for word and act for act, to control the women who love them.
Dr Dina McMillan is a social psychologist who has drawn on her extensive work with female victims and male perpetrators of domestic violence to write But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship. In her book, Dr McMillan shows how manipulative and abusive men use particular emotional tricks to dominate and control their partners.
We talked to Dr McMillan to get some advice on how to get out of a manipulative relationship, or how to avoid one all together...
What are signs to watch for to avoid an abusive relationship before it starts? There are a few things young women should look out for on a first date:
A guy who brags constantly about his accomplishments or how much money he makes
A guy who tells you on the first few dates how wonderful your life will be once you're 'with him'.
Anything from a guy that is TOO MUCH or TOO SOON. That includes offering to buy you gifts, pay your bills, take you on trips, get you a job, take you to meet his family, etc. These are bribes used to pull you closer and keep you from paying attention to his serious faults.
Look out for a guy who criticises you, your beliefs or your goals.
What can women do to protect themselves from manipulative men? Young women should be themselves, but also be careful of trusting a guy until they know him. This means not spending all of their time with a new guy (thereby ignoring friends and family), and not revealing intimate information to someone until they know him well. Even then, if the information he wants makes her uncomfortable to discuss, she should stand firm and refuse to discuss it. Manipulative men try to use charm, humour, and even anger to get information they can use to take advantage of a woman. She has to be careful not to provide it.
Women should also be wary of a man who criticises them, their beliefs or their loved ones. Manipulative men use criticism as a weapon to make their partner feel insecure and distance her from her sources of emotional support. It only works if a woman allows it.
What advice can you offer to nzgirls who are worried that a close friend may be the victim of a manipulative relationship? At the risk of self-promoting, I would suggest giving the friend a copy of my book, But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship. It may useful to read it first, and then highlight or bookmark the pages that you feel are really relevant. The advantage of this is it provides more authority to your claims that your friend is in trouble. Too often, women will dismiss the comments made by their friends or family by saying it is just opinion, or that the loved ones just do not like the new guy.
If already trapped in a manipulative relationship, how can a woman try to get herself out of the situation? Look online or in the telephone book for 'domestic violence' information. Hotlines and counselling centres deal with all levels of manipulation and abuse, whether or not it also includes physical assault.
Is it possible to change a manipulative man for the better? Why/ why not? Manipulative men often say they will change as a way to manipulate their partner into staying in the relationship! In order for him to really change, he has to really want it, and even then the probability of him actually doing it permanently is very slim! Lasting change is not something that happens because he takes a weekly 'anger management' course or because he promises a woman he will change. These men are not just being obnoxious - they are driven by deep-rooted psychological and emotional issues.
It takes years of psychotherapy and genuine, life-long dedication on the man's part to make a lasting change and the vast majority of men give up before they see lasting results. If a woman is being hurt by one of these men I suggest she protect herself first and get out of the relationship.
What are some tips for women to protect and empower themselves in a manipulative relationship? Women in these relationships have to start protecting their emotions and putting some distance between themselves and their manipulative partner. This includes finding a women's group or other counselling to begin rebuilding their confidence. They should make an effort to reconnect with their friends and family (or make new friends if they now live far from their previous sources of emotional support). It also includes finding a means of protecting themselves financially - most manipulative men find a way to control the money. If possible, she should get her own bank account and consider starting paid employment of some kind (if she's given it up).
How can a woman get out once well and truly trapped in a manipulative relationship where the man has complete control over her? She has to be very brave and risk displeasing him. This can be very difficult. That is why I suggest contacting local women's counselling or support organisations for guidance and help. How can nzgirls apply the knowledge from your book in their future dating lives? Once nzgirls read the book and have the information, it is important for them to apply it to every new guy they date! If they don't consistently apply the new information, they won't keep themselves safe. If they remember and apply the information, they will spot the manipulative guys very early and will not have to spend years of their lives getting away from a manipulator (and rebuilding their confidence once he is gone).
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Dr Dina McMillan’s book But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship is available now from all good bookstores for $29.99.
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about 20,000 women last year. Where ever you are in the world, manipulative men are doing the same things – practically word for word and act for act, to control the women who love them.
What can women do to protect themselves from manipulative men? 
What advice can you offer to nzgirls who are worried that a close friend may be the victim of a manipulative relationship? 
Is it possible to change a manipulative man for the better? Why/ why not?