It's all going swimmingly. You're in love; you spend every moment together, and then BAM! He gets that big job. In China. Or is accepted into that course. In Wellington.

Apart from cursing, is there any way to prepare yourself for a long distance relationship (LDR)? Well, there will be a lot of cursing - sorry about that - because it's not going to be easy.


But, yes, there are ways to keep the relationship alive, and you guessed it, it's all about communication. If you care enough to make this work, you will need to be vigilant and trusting. First up, make some ground rules. These should go something like this...

1: Phone calls
How often are you going to talk on the
phone? This needs to be decided before the LDR begins, because if one person is expecting constant communication and the other is thinking a call every Sunday will suffice, there is going to be trouble. Decide on a feasible schedule for calling, but be prepared to change this when you are apart. If you realise a need to change the decided schedule, talk about it. There's nothing worse than waiting for a phone call that never comes. It's also a good idea to decide ahead of time who is going to do the calling. And get a good calling plan or card. If you can, use Skype as a good cheap way to talk via the computer - and see each other too!

2: Visits
Are they going to happen? Who is going to visit whom? It's a good idea to talk about the logistics of these visits, so that there is no extra stress when they happen. You don't want one person assuming there will be a double bed and romance awaiting them, then turning up to find a shared bedroom with a roommate in some dormitory. Basically, assumption will cause problems. Avoid it by talking.

3: Other communication devices
Will texting or emailing be your main source of communication, rather than the phone? The problem with this is tone of voice is the biggest indicator to feeling - and even emoticons can't express some moods. The phone really is the closest you will get to staying personal and avoiding loss of perception with your guy.

4: Are there going to be other people?
I am assuming if you are going to as much effort to sort out all the above before you are separated, the answer would be no. But make sure you each know where you stand. It might seem obvious, but laying it down clear and simple will avoid any Ross and Rachel 'but we were on a break' conversations in future.

5: Discuss possible feelings
Think carefully about how it might be to not have him around. Talk about how it might be, but (and this is important) don't spend the last days together crying. You want to leave things on a happy note, if possible. Try to stay positive. After all - he wants to start an LDR with you. That's a lot of work, so it must be love!

Enough from me. Here are a few quotes from some nzgirls about the pros and cons of going into LDRs, including a few from girls who have been through it and have scars to prove it...

There are bonuses of LDRs….
* Shaving legs can become a weekly, fortnightly or even monthly job if you wish!
* Bikini waxing bills definitely decrease!
* You save so much money on going out to dinner or movies or whatever!
* You learn to communicate by words far better
* You appreciate each other's company SO much more!

I did long distance with my current boyfriend for six months. We talked on the phone every night and msn'd all the time. Although I think that made it worse for me. I think restricting talking time and contact time is good. Anyway, I was a wreck when he left because he lied about it in the first place and we were living together. I found comfort in exercising actually. I lost lots of weight and felt so much better. And also eating healthy. I didn't eat junk food or fizzy for 4 months! Stunning for me!

I'm about to enter one. It's hell at the moment - all we do is fight when we should be making the most of our time together. I just feel really abandoned because we've been together for more than 18 months now and he's just packing up and leaving. It's just so hard to be happy for someone when you feel that way, and he doesn't tell me things like the date he's moving because he doesn't like to see me sad but it just makes the whole thing worse.  So if you're going into one, you need to communicate more than ever, it's really easy to make wrong assumptions about what the other person's feeling and get angry at them rather than think about it from their point of view.

If you are going into a long distance relationship I think its best if you:
* Get any skeletons out of the closet ...like anything that is bothering you before they leave.
* Don't expect him to be in contact 24/7...he is in another country, if he's working long hours you have to understand that, or if he's on OE he might be busy.
* Just because you don't hear from him it doesn't mean he's not thinking of you.
* Reassure yourself that things are going okay, and don't get bogged down and count who makes contact first and who is making the most effort.

Camille