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Lil Cameron is going to be writing a regular column, sharing her perspective of being a gay nzgirl.
It’s been three years since 22-year-old Lil came out and, despite some minor hiccups, she’s never looked back. She hopes by sharing her experiences she’ll help anyone else questioning their sexuality.
Plus, she gets so many questions from straight girls about what it’s like to be gay that she figured she may as well start a column and save them the trouble!
Got a question or comment for Lil? Hit the button below to ask her. Questions may appear on the site (don't worry we won't use your name!) but if you're not comfortable with that just request that it's not published.
How I realised I was into girls, Part 1
I pressed rewind then stood transfixed, my face just three feet away from the TV screen. Once again I watched Sarah Michelle Gellar lean forward and kiss Selma Blair slowly, tenderly and JESUS CHRIST how did I not realise I was gay?! This must have been the twentieth time I had watched this scene, always with an ear out to make sure my mum wasn’t coming downstairs. Deep down I knew that this guilty pleasure I felt had to mean something. But at the time it was just a random puzzle piece and it would take nearly two years until my conscious mind would begin to see the big picture.
Which, I believe, is not at all an uncommon process. Coming to the realisation that you’re gay seems to be like something slowly floats up from inside you until “Pop!” it reaches the surface of your consciousness. And no matter how much you try to push it back down, it keeps popping back up into your mind, nudging you and saying “Hey, what’re you gonna do about me, eh?”
A couple of months ago one of my readers asked me:
“How did you know you were a lesbian? Was it trial and error?”
This is my attempt to answer this tricky question.
The first time I kissed a girl, at age 17, I didn’t even consider I was a lesbian. Those feelings of attraction towards someone of my own sex were there, but they hadn’t formed themselves into anything I could understand. She was my best friend and although it scared the hell out of me to kiss a girl, all I knew was that I loved her so much and it made sense to be as close physically as we were emotionally. Now I know that my experience wasn’t so uncommon, but at the time I felt very alone. So I just rode the wave, struggled to understand my feelings, and continued kissing a girl behind closed doors.
As I’ve said in a previous column, I didn’t come out, even to myself, until I was 19 and in my 2nd year of uni. But when I look back on my childhood there were plenty of “telltale” signs. I never understood the hype about how hot Jonathon Taylor Thomas or Leonardo DiCaprio was, but I did quite like Kate Winslet – even in her murderous role in Heavenly Creatures. And when I was only 8 years old I think I had a crush on the main character in Enid Blyton’s “The Naughtiest Girl in School”. Then there was my favourite schoolyard game, Manhunt, because I liked the feeling of Sara Scrimshaw carrying me to “the jailhouse” when I got caught.
I’m sure every lesbian can look back at their early years and pick up many signs to indicate they were gay, even though they didn’t know it yet. But then again, some of these personality characteristics, mannerisms or tendencies towards a certain style of dress that scream “lesbian, eek!” could no doubt also be found in the childhoods of many straight girls. I’m sure that there are some of you reading this who have always been sporty, had short hair, been through a phase of baggy clothes, or used to like climbing trees and playing with the boys at interval. And then there’s the point that it’s almost more unusual to find a girl who hasn’t kissed another girl than one who has – homosexuality would be the norm if all these girls turned out to be gay.
So I guess to answer the question more succinctly – no, it wasn’t trial and error that lead me to conclude I was a lesbian. It was more of a growing awareness about how I felt and reacted to certain situations when faced with them, the puzzle pieces falling into place until I could see the big picture. Many girls trial the same-sex thing. But for me I wasn’t actively seeking out lesbian experiences, because I didn’t know that that was what I wanted. It sounds complicated and by god it was, it was very confusing. Even when I’d come out my mind would switch from “I’m gay”, to “No, I’m straight”, to “I’m DEFINTELY gay…or maybe I’m bisexual?” This is no doubt a symptom of the fluidity of sexuality – we label people ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bisexual’, but in reality the lines are very blurred. Labels are just our means of understanding and defining what is a very complex issue.
Which leads me to my next column – what is ‘bisexual’ anyway? Why is it such a dirty word in lesbian circles? And why do all the party skanks still think it’s sexy to get it on with a girl in front of everyone?
Lil
You may read this and identify with some of the feelings I had in my early gay days. If so, you don’t have to deal with it alone. Most cities in New Zealand have organisations set up to help you with the coming out process, or if you just want a chat. You should also have a queer group at your university if you’re a student. Rainbow Youth,Auckland’s young gay and lesbian support organisation are really nice and will be able to give you the contact details for your nearest support group. www.rainbowyouth.org.nz
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sharing her perspective of being a gay nzgirl.
I pressed rewind then stood transfixed, my face just three feet away from the TV screen. Once again I watched Sarah Michelle Gellar lean forward and kiss Selma Blair slowly, tenderly and JESUS CHRIST how did I not realise I was gay?! This must have been the twentieth time I had watched this scene, always with an ear out to make sure my mum wasn’t coming downstairs. Deep down I knew that this guilty pleasure I felt had to mean something. But at the time it was just a random puzzle piece and it would take nearly two years until my conscious mind would begin to see the big picture.
A couple of months ago one of my readers asked me:
As I’ve said in a previous column, I didn’t come out, even to myself, until I was 19 and in my 2nd year of uni. But when I look back on my childhood there were plenty of “telltale” signs. I never understood the hype about how hot Jonathon Taylor Thomas or Leonardo DiCaprio was, but I did quite like Kate Winslet – even in her murderous role in Heavenly Creatures. And when I was only 8 years old I think I had a crush on the main character in Enid Blyton’s “The Naughtiest Girl in School”. Then there was my favourite schoolyard game, Manhunt, because I liked the feeling of Sara Scrimshaw carrying me to “the jailhouse” when I got caught.
So I guess to answer the question more succinctly – no, it wasn’t trial and error that lead me to conclude I was a lesbian. It was more of a growing awareness about how I felt and reacted to certain situations when faced with them, the puzzle pieces falling into place until I could see the big picture. Many girls trial the same-sex thing. But for me I wasn’t actively seeking out lesbian experiences, because I didn’t know that that was what I wanted. It sounds complicated and by god it was, it was very confusing. Even when I’d come out my mind would switch from “I’m gay”, to “No, I’m straight”, to “I’m DEFINTELY gay…or maybe I’m bisexual?” This is no doubt a symptom of the fluidity of sexuality – we label people ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bisexual’, but in reality the lines are very blurred. Labels are just our means of understanding and defining what is a very complex issue.