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Relationship Deal Breakers
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Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be?  This question is answered by Dr Bethany Marshall in her new book Deal Breakers. What is a deal breaker you ask?
A deal breaker is “the fundamental, non-negotiable need or desire that, once defined, can help every woman attain the relationship she really wants.”
Sound like a good deal to you? Well we spoke to Dr Marshall (pictured below) about how to know when it’s worth making a relationship work and when it’s time to give him the boot.
 During her time as a therapist, Dr Marshall has seen many couples and she has come to realise that relationships really are just complicated arrangements. When the arrangement crumbles, their relationship crumbles.
With this relationship deal comes conditions and deal breakers. If one side of the relationship doesn’t keep to their end of the deal, this could become a deal breaker. Dr Marshall believes it is useful to have an awareness in your mind of what kind of an arrangement is going to get you through the rest of your life.
Dr Marshall’s believes that most difficult men will fall into five personality types. These are The Scriptwriter, The Man in Charge, The Man Without Fault, The Invisible Man and The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man. Knowing about these personality types will mean you know what you are getting into when starting a relationship. It will also help you avoid always ending up in bad relationships as well as being a great tool for dealing with a current relationship.
Of course, your man may not fit exactly into one category. He may be a mixture of a few of them. We give you a run down of these five personality types to help you identify the characteristics in your man...
The Scriptwriter
“The Scriptwriter feels that he knows you better than you know yourself,” says Dr. Marshall. “He casts you into a role with out any regard for your true personality, deciding who you are without consulting you.” For example, on the first date he may say “I hope you won’t cheat on me, because all my last girlfriends did.” He may imagine he knows you better than you know yourself.
The Man in Charge
This man basically feels that he can’t trust you unless he is controlling you. In fact he is intolerant towards any people or situations that he can not control. Dr Marshall explains that if you organised a surprise holiday for The Man in Charge, he may not be happy because he didn’t know about it. “There are various levels of this; on a mild scale he may set your alarm for you in the mornings or call you to check you got to work ok,” she says. “On an extreme level, he may read your emails because he is worried he doesn’t know what is going on. In other words, he doesn’t really trust you.”
The Man Without Fault
 Dr Marshall identifies The Man Without Fault as a narcissist. The primary feature of this guy is his inflated sense of self. He is precious and flourishes in the devaluation of others. For example, his restaurants are best and his friends are best, yet when he’s talking about your life he thinks your friends are shallow, the restaurant you took him to was no good and your parents are uneducated. Over time his future will look brighter, his life will get better and yours will start to diminish because all the energy is going into him. “The Man without Fault is smart,” explains Dr Marshall, “so smart that you won’t even notice this is happening at first.”
The Invisible Man
This man has serious intimacy problems and shuts down in relationships. When you make normal demands on the Invisible Man, he feels really controlled. “He will really like or love you, but he just gets overwhelmed by his feelings and finds it easier to be involved with inanimate objects,” says Dr Marshall. For example, he’ll spend the weekend cleaning your car, fixing your computer or exercising the dog because these impersonal pursuits aren’t going to control him.
 The Little Boy who Poses as a Man
This man (or should we say boy?!) never fully takes responsibility for himself because he finds it easier to remain childlike or needy. “Think back to childhood,” says Dr Marshall, “little boys do all the taking and mummys do all the giving.” And that is exactly where that man has stayed. Little boys are charming and cute and they don’t have to achieve anything – they can just play all day. Sure this guy may be cute, at first. But then nothing progresses. Nothing gets better. This little boy never grows up.
So, now you know the personality types and what to look out for. But what do you do if your long term boyfriend is a Scriptwriter and has been writing the script of your life for years? Or if you’ve finally realised that your husband who you pick up after, cook for and clean for is actually a Little Boy, Posing as a Man?
Dr Marshall explains that it’s not so much which personality he has which is the real issue; you need to look at how severe it is and his willingness to change. “If you reveal how you feel, can your guy respond to you and make the changes that you need?” asks Dr Marshall. If so, then your relationship could still be worth saving.
 Dr Marshall believes that a key aspect of a healthy relationship is flexibility. You must both be willing to negotiate your ‘deal’ over time, and be able to talk about it.
“Both people need to bend,” says Dr Marshall. “Both of you must be neutrally and equally invested in the relationship.” There should also be a future mindedness to the relationship – you don’t necessarily have to be planning the wedding and naming your future kids, but hints and references to the future are good.
When trying to decide whether you can make your relationship work or not, you must ask yourself the following questions about your partner:Can they change?Do they care about the effect on you?Can they observe how they are treating you?
So how do you know when to work on your relationship and when to walk away? Well if you answered yes to the questions above, you’re well on the right track.
When to walk away:When he refuses to change in ways that are reasonable.When he creates an alter reality, for example he says he wants to get married but it never happens.When you walk away from each conversation feeling confused. When you find you have suppressed your personality and are no longer who you used to be.If you become obsessed with the future because the present is unattainable. For example, if you are always saying “when we get married, things will get better…”
When to make it work:If you’re emotionally attached you’re going to want to try to make it work.If there are signs of progress and evidence of change, it is probably worth sticking around. But remember, this won’t happen overnight. If there is change over time and he is trying to make these changes the best way he can in ways that are suitable to you, it’s worth working on the relationship. There must be a sense of ‘us’ rather than me or you. You are in the relationship together and both need to want to make it work.
It is a lot of work to change the personality traits of a troubled man. But it is possible! The number one sign that a person can change is if they have the capacity to observe what they are doing. If your man understands the extent of what he is doing and is willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work, together you can probably keep your relationship together and reach a place where you are both truly happy.
Eve
Deal Breakers by Dr Bethany Marshall, $26.99 at all good book stores. |
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