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We both cheated and lied about it
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They both saw other people while they were on a break, but now they're  finding it hard to confess...
Dear Super Kitty,
This may scare you but I've moved in with my boyfriend of almost five years just a couple of weeks ago. And that's not the scary part.
We were broken up for about a month not so long ago before we decided to move in together and we both thought it'd be a good idea to confess whoever we've been with during our break(s) and so we did. But both of us hid the 100% truth and my boyfriend sensed that something else was on my mind so he hacked into my emails and confronted me with this one guy that I've not told him about. I was angry but then I realised it was for the best.
A few days after this, a girl who's now with his mate turned up at our flat, which was nothing out of the ordinary. Then out of the blue I just asked him "Did you sleep with her?". I've asked before as I was suspicious and he answered no. But this time he said yes and said he doesn't want to lie to me anymore.
We've both had nightmares (literally) since all these confessions and I would like to know what's the best way for us to work through this. We both promised each other we won't lie about our past even if it was during breaks and we weren't officially together.
Trying to Forget.
Got a question for Super Kitty? Click the button below... And don't forget, if Super Kitty can't read it, she can't answer it so take the time to pay attention to your spelling and grammar!
Dear Trying to Forget,
It is good that you and your boyfriend have finally got all this out on the table. Holding on to secrets is never a good idea. After five years together I would have thought you would be more truthful with each other - but judging from the plural 'breaks', I am guessing you are just one of those couples.
Do you think it was a good idea to move in with each other so soon after a break? In future, consider giving yourselves some space after an argument like this before making any major, life-altering decisions. If you weren't living together right now, I am certain this would be easier to handle, as a little distance between the two of you would give you time and space to think.
What you need to do is talk this ALL the way out. The reason you are upset - apart from the fact that you feel betrayed - is because you think he could do it again. Have a long and proper talk and try not to let it turn into an argument. I hate to encourage alcohol abuse, but a glass of wine could help to lubricate this conversation.
You sensed something between him and this girl, which is why you didn't believe his negatory answer the first time you queried it. When you guys have this big talk, you should ask him what it was about this girl that made her attractive to him. If it was physical, forget about it. You weren't together and there is no need to fret about a (probably) drunken night with some chick. He has expended some of his wandering eye time while you were on a break. At least he might be less likely to do it now that you are back together.
If it was more than that, discuss the implications of this. But I bet it was physical.
Now, about this email hacking. Make sure he knows this is NOT ON. Nobody has the right to read private emails or texts, even if they rightly suspect something is going on. To prevent this happening again, you guys need to have a serious honesty policy. Maybe lay down some rules: If anything happens, we will tell each other. If you keep things from one another, the victim has the right to end the relationship. Ultimatums can work.
Be pleased that he says he doesn't want to lie to you any more. Keep him to this promise - and move on. Time will tell if you guys will get past this, but I wish you luck.
Love Super Kitty xxx |
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