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Lil Cameron writes a regular column, sharing her perspective of being a gay nzgirl.
It’s been three years since 22-year-old Lil came out and, despite some minor hiccups, she’s never looked back. She hopes by sharing her experiences she’ll help anyone else questioning their sexuality.
Plus, she gets so many questions from straight girls about what it’s like to be gay that she figured she may as well start a column and save them the trouble!
Got a question or comment for Lil? Hit the button below to ask her. Questions may appear on the site (don't worry we won't use your name!) but if you're not comfortable with that just request that it's not published.
“That guy was a bit dodgy, wasn’t he?” I said, referring to the male who had just leered at me as he passed with too-tight pants on. The girl I was standing next to outside a bar in Queenstown looked at me and laughed back, “Yeah, he was bloody dodgy!”
And it may not seem like much of a conversation starter, but that was the beginning of my first and only one-night stand with a stranger. As you would imagine, picking up girls isn’t easy – especially in the small and rather conservative New Zealand environment. The ability to listen well, facilitate casual conversation and to pick up on subtle signals helps when flirting with other women, but there’s only so far that that can take you before you usually hit the brick wall of heterosexuality.
And while I’m an advocate of the theory that every girl’s straight until they’re not, some girls are so straight that there’s no point trying to penetrate their heterosexual force field. Believe me, I’ve banged my head against it many a time.
I’ve often been asked how I meet girls – that it’s hard to imagine picking up in a bar like you would with a guy. How do you know if she’s just being flirty-friendly as many girls are when they’ve had a few drinks? Or, that she’s open to something more? I think it’s a skill that you learn over time, and sometimes you have to learn it the hard way – by getting it wrong. Really wrong. Having been through this myself I suddenly understand why so many guys have a cocky attitude when flirting with girls. It’s simply puffed-up bravado to hide the pain they feel when a girl laughs in their face! So just go easy on the next guy who attempts to chat you up, it’s takes guts to be rejected and bounce back every time.
The reality of being a young lesbian in the hetero-normalised culture of New Zealand is that you generally don’t meet partners or even hook-ups in the same way that straight people do.
And while it’s definitely not unheard of to pick up a girl in a straight bar, I personally learnt very quickly not to go out with that desire - 99% of the time it won’t happen, and there’s nothing so painful as to stare at all the gorgeous girls around you in a bar and know that – no matter how witty and charming you are – they’re all completely unobtainable.
So if that’s the case, how did I end up having a one-night stand in Queenstown? The answer: by picking up on very subtle signals. Sure, that’s vital to flirtation between anyone, but when you’re playing the “Are you into girls?” game it’s much more tricky. Those of you who have had experience with other girls will know that there are many different paths you can take to hooking up – from extended flirtations to experimentation between friends or just drunken dares. But the key to flirting with women in straight bars, I’ve found, is to put something out there that is deliberately ambiguous. So if you’re flirting with a completely oblivious straight girl, she’ll read it as just being friendly. But if it’s a gay girl you’re talking to, she’ll probably pick up on it as a flirtation and play along if she’s interested.
For an example, let’s go back to my Queenstown case study. While my opening line, “That guy was a bit dodgy, wasn’t he?” doesn’t seem like much, her answer told me a lot about her attitude towards sleazy men. So I asked her inside for a drink and she accepted. But the first signal that really gave me hope was when I asked her if she wanted to come and dance with my friends.
Her willingness indicated that she was comfortable hanging out with me, a complete stranger, and when we decided to take off together to a different bar the deal was pretty much closed. Why? Because I left my friends to be with her, and you can’t be much more obvious that that. Of course there were also some physical signals, such as me grabbing her hand and holding it a little too long as we pushed through the crowded dance floor; but in the girl-on-girl flirting game, non-physical gestures often reign supreme.
If this all seems too hard, well, it is a lot of the time. But light flirting is often a necessary means for lesbians to suss out situations; we don’t have the same luxury as straight people of knowing who swings our way or doesn’t.
So that begs the question: where do you meet hot, available women with the minimum of effort, especially if you’re not into the gay scene? Often it comes down to one of your friends’ friends. Or your friend’s friend’s friend. Get it? However, being gay is like being overseas when someone finds out you’re a Kiwi and immediately wants you to meet the other person they know from New Zealand (because that means you’ll be BFF, right?) People say, “Oh, you’re gay? My cousin’s gay – I’ll set you guys up!” Ah, thanks, but could I have a little more information?
Despite this, most of the lesbian couples I know have been introduced through friends. However there are more and more couples out there who have met each other over the internet, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering it’s so hard to meet other (dateable) lesbians down traditional routes.
So, in my next column: the art of internet dating – is it different for lesbians? I look at the good, the bad and the downright ugly, and discuss how to tell the difference!
Lil
You may read this and identify with some of the feelings I had in my early gay days. If so, you don’t have to deal with it alone. Most cities in New Zealand have organisations set up to help you with the coming out process, or if you just want a chat. You should also have a queer group at your university if you’re a student. Rainbow Youth, Auckland’s young gay and lesbian support organisation are really nice and will be able to give you the contact details for your nearest support group. www.rainbowyouth.org.nz
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being a gay nzgirl.
And it may not seem like much of a conversation starter, but that was the beginning of my first and only one-night stand with a stranger. As you would imagine, picking up girls isn’t easy – especially in the small and rather conservative New Zealand environment. The ability to listen well, facilitate casual conversation and to pick up on subtle signals helps when flirting with other women, but there’s only so far that that can take you before you usually hit the brick wall of heterosexuality. 
The reality of being a young lesbian in the hetero-normalised culture of New Zealand is that you generally don’t meet partners or even hook-ups in the same way that straight people do. 
Her willingness indicated that she was comfortable hanging out with me, a complete stranger, and when we decided to take off together to a different bar the deal was pretty much closed. Why? Because I left my friends to be with her, and you can’t be much more obvious that that. Of course there were also some physical signals, such as me grabbing her hand and holding it a little too long as we pushed through the crowded dance floor; but in the girl-on-girl flirting game, non-physical gestures often reign supreme. 
Despite this, most of the lesbian couples I know have been introduced through friends. However there are more and more couples out there who have met each other over the internet, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering it’s so hard to meet other (dateable) lesbians down traditional routes.