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He Has Kids - Should I Go There?
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Scenario: You have been seeing a guy and he really is wonderful. He takes you  out to dinner, sends you sweet text messages, brings you soup when you are sick.
When you are together, it feels as though there is a definite future for the two of you. Only problem is, sometimes when you have a date planned, he has to cancel. Why? No babysitter.
It’s a hard road finding the perfect man, right? There are plenty of obstacles and problems that we all encounter in the dating game. Many of these come up in the Super Kitty column on nzgirl - we get abusive guys, non-committal guys, men who don’t know how to treat us, men who smother us. So what about men who have been there, done that, with another girl - and have kids to show for it? Should you go there?
Dating a daddy may be difficult, but it all comes down to the man. If you’re getting serious with a guy who has kids, you need to make sure many issues are clearly understood and ironed out before you take any big steps like moving in together.
The ex
 You don’t want to get stuck in the middle of he and his ex’s brawls, so make sure they get on okay, or have at least agreed to disagree. Insist on meeting his ex before you move in or get too serious with your man, as you don’t want to be pasted with the evil stepmother label before you have the chance to prove yourself. Basically, the more his ex likes you, the better his children will too (she will make it known if she disapproves, and kids are like sponges).
The kids
There are benefits of having a built-in family. The obvious, most physical one is that you get to keep your figure! No painful child birth! That is unless you decide to add to the family at a later date, as a lot of couples do. If the kids are toddlers or even older, you will also avoid the sleepless nights that come with a new baby.
Of course, there are negatives to being the stepmother. One is that as you become more accustomed to his children, there may be some disagreements between the way you discipline them, and the way in which they are disciplined by their birth parents. Being the pseudo mum means a degree of unavoidable doubt in your mothering. This can cause arguments, and bitterness towards your guy.
This dreaded line can also come from the mouths of the brats: “You’re not my mother!” To avoid these issues, you need to make sure your man backs you up at all times. He needs to give you full reign of these kids, full rights to make decisions as you see fit, and he should always command respect for you from his children.
 Someone else’s children
The benefits of the lack of shared blood, although selfish, are worth mentioning. When they turn to teenage horrors, you can always relax in the knowledge that they are not really (truly) your problem. But this isn’t a good way to think! If possible, try to get rid of any thoughts that quell your responsibility for these kids. Pretend they’re yours, and things will go more smoothly.
You and him
Assuming your have entered the picture when these kids are already partly grown, you can imagine that you will end up having the freedom of an empty nest sooner, rather than later. Although again, this is not a nice way to think. Another, more friendly, point is that it is likely his kids will spend half their time with his ex, if not more, so you will get more time with him than you would if you had your own kids. As long as you devote yourself to them as much as possible when they are around, it is okay to pretend you guys are DINKs when they’re gone!
A sad aspect to the dating-a-daddy scenario is that if you break up, you might never see them again. You can become quite attached to children, especially ones you live with and care for. It could be worth discussing what will happen if you split - although this is obviously difficult ground to cover.
All in all, dating a guy with kids can give you a clear perspective of his true personality. If he’s a good dad, he’s likely to be a good man. If you’re dating a daddy, try to take a measured approach. Don’t rush in, but don’t run either!
Camille Butler |
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