Adultery is the nastiest form of betrayal. The worst thing about finding out that someone you love has loved another is the ‘finding out’ part...

You wind up feeling like a fool; on top of the gut-wrenching pain of knowing he has cheated.  It’s not much better when you are the culprit. Guilt is an awful feeling, especially when it’s over something serious and harmful like doing the dirty on the one you love.

So if you’ve cheated, or if he has, can you really make it work? Is it really worth trying to stay together?

Looking at the situation
“You need to stop and assess the relationship, and think about the reasons WHY you/he cheated and if there is a problem that can be fixed, which would result in the trust in the relationship being restored, or whether it’s because of underlying issues which cannot be resolved…”
Claire, 24.

Cheating is awful for everyone, but there are a few things to consider before deciding whether or not to even attempt to stay together. This checklist may help you to make this
decision - whether it was you that cheated, or your partner.

Was the cheating prolonged, or a one-off?
“There is a saying - once a cheater, always a cheater! When my guy cheated on me, the issue was clearly trust. How am I expected to go through life with someone who has so unbelievably pulled the wool over my eyes? It would be difficult to avoid looking through his text messages, checking his pockets, worrying over his late hours at work. Basically, it wasn’t worth it.”  Rosie, 29.

If the cheating was long-term, and involved sneaking around behind the victim’s back, uncountable lies and unfathomable betrayal then the perpetrator will need to have some pretty amazing reasons as to why they should be forgiven.  If it was a one-off occasion, the question is ‘why did it happen?’ If it was simply an error in judgement - a proper accident - and it has never happened before, it could be worth forgiving and forgetting. That is, after the victim has received excessive apologies and reassurance.

If it was a short fling, but it has happened before - many times - then it is time to face facts. The perpetrator will always be a cheater, no matter how sorry he or she may be.  If it was you stop apologising and start thinking about why you do it. Give him his space and use it to analyse yourself. It could be that you’re just not that into him, or it could be that you’re just not that into you. Self-esteem issues can cause you to look elsewhere for reassurance - a common reason for cheating.

Was alcohol involved?
“My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. I cheated on him once - a year ago - but it was just a few kisses and I was really drunk. It took him a while to get over, but he knows I won’t do it again.” Julia, 27.

While it is no excuse, we all know how alcohol can change people. If the perpetrator insists that he was so off-his-face that he didn’t know what he was doing, forgive, but only once. If it happens again, he either needs to curb his drinking, or curb his lying.

Same with you - if you get so drunk that you make the huge mistake of putting your body where it should not go, you need to stop drinking so much - especially if you are truly in love with your partner and can sincerely say it wasn’t intentional. Aside from this, you can wind up in some
pretty awful situations. Respect your body and yourself - and
be careful.

Did the perpetrator admit it, or were they found out?
“Honesty is the best policy. I cheated on my boyfriend and didn’t tell him. He found out long after we had broken up - from someone else. We were still friends and he was really upset that I had kept it from him. He said he thought it was what broke us up, because there was a secret lurking back there.”  Teresa, 30.

Being honest about your dishonesty doesn’t reverse the wrongdoing, but it does help. For one thing, it shows the victim that you take it seriously.  If he has cheated, but he admits it and is truly sorry, consider, if you can, how hard it would have been to tell you. While this doesn’t necessarily make it feel any better, it at least shows he has some respect. If he had to be found out - well, he is a dirty cheater and by all rights should be left by the wayside. This is especially true if he is a repeat offender.

Who was she?
“My partner cheated on me with a good friend of his. This was too much for me to bear. I called it off - because he was often in her company. It was a shame, but I couldn’t make it work, knowing that it could happen again.” Judy, 24.

Cheating on your partner with someone you both know is pretty much unforgivable, even though it is probably more common than cheating with a stranger. Unless he got her number, a stranger has disappeared into the night, as far as you’re concerned.

When they are on the perpetrator’s Facebook friends list and often turn up at parties then unless you banish this person from your lives, it becomes very difficult. Their name will arise whenever you fight. If you see them on the street, new bitterness will come forth to destroy you.

Do they want to be forgiven?
“At first I thought he was really sorry, but then a friend told me he was laughing about it behind my back. I couldn’t believe it. I think he cheated to get out of the relationship.” Sarah, 26.

Watch the perpetrator carefully. Their true and honest apologies will shine with sincerity. They will feel guilty beyond the time when you have forgiven them. They will continue to tread carefully around you... that is, if they want you to keep them.

Analyse this in yourself if you have cheated. How carefully are you saying sorry? If you mean it, you will know. If you don’t mean it, don’t try to get back together with him - it’s sad to leave on bad terms, but better than going on wasting your time on something that's not right for you.

Camille Butler